Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

catch me on valentine’s day like

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.