Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Actually cracking up @ this
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk