Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.