Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Just how popey was the pope today?