Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
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*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Is this a threat?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
scares
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great