Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.