Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You Might Also Like
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Worth a try
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too