Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
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How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
synchronized noseblowing
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.