Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

orange cat behavior

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.