Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team