Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
You Might Also Like
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.