Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

If only

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

ugh not again

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.