Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
(more comics:
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Never be a pizza!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
is this meant to deter me
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler