Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Sharon, call the vet
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer