Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

I’m having an out of money experience.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

🤣

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.