Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
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My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Pretty much! 😂👀
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.