Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.