Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

You Might Also Like


Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.


Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes


my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear


NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.


Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.


Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool


Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.


Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.