How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me socialising: terrible.
Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.