Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
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Mhm.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
🤣could you imagine
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours