*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill