Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!