Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,