Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
He is just living hist best little life 😊
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.