Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
my favorite genre of twitter
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?