Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her