Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

i was baptized in a car wash

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.