Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god