Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
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My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Welcome
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23