Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”