Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
You Might Also Like
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
When news reporters do sports stories
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though