Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.