Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
pain
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.