Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

❤️❤️❤️

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed