Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Incredible customer service.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries