Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

When you kidnap a writer.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Risking my life for fun.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.