Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

I’ve had worse

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is