Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
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Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Just ordered me some pizza!
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
yeah 😭
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor