Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

I can’t stop laughing at this

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes