Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.