Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs