Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado