Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Smallpox sounds so adorable
what does he know…
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.