Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
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“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Why am I like this?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime