Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

incredible google review i just found

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!