Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Finally a use for spoilers…
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
lost dog
