Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
They got Raph!
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
how high up are we talkin’?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks