@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

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@realHamOnWry

I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.

@thepunningman

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

@SpokeAna

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

@awkwardphilippe

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

@bobvulfov

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

@The_JRM

5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”

@tracietom

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

@thatUPSdude

Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.

@Brampersandon_

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?