Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

How many? 🤔

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.