hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?