Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
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Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus