Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.