Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

That’s classic.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE