Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This billboard speaks to me

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

don’t be scared

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

😏😏😏

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit