“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
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Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.