“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”![]()
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[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”