Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.