Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

#Caturday

For the ones in the back.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Did…did a minotaur write this

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars