Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.