Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood