Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now