@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

@bartandsoul

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

@XplodingUnicorn

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

@Playing_Dad

Me: We don’t have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I’m sad.
Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby

@MomOfTeen

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

@jokesforsmokes

“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.

@CrashTestDrummy

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

@kimlockhartga

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

@crushingbort

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell