Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”