“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: We don’t have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I’m sad.
Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell