Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
You Might Also Like
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
mood
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.