Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

Terribly Tuesday.

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you