Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
this is literally a CIA plant
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative