Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Vodka burrito was a success

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.