Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!