I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
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I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
some things should go without saying
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…