“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
im 7 sauces long
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him