HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
True freaking story!
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Cake safety first. Always.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold