Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Good for him.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’