HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.