“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Gemma Correll
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆