Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.